When the Bough Breaks

A Starr is Born

• Alexis Arralynn • Season 1 • Episode 14

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People organizer and podcaster Starr Mallory guests this episode. Listen as she shares with guest-host AC Bergen how a tragic accident shaped and molded the person she is today. Starr also shares her experience with family estrangement and personal growth. 


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SPEAKER_00:

The following is a King Fisher Media Podcast.

SPEAKER_03:

You are listening to When the Bell Breaks. I'm your host, AC Fisher. With me today is Star Mallory. Star has described herself as a single mother of two young adults and a people manager. Can you tell us a little bit about that, Star?

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely. Hello. Thanks for having me. I am a mother of two young adults. They will be 25 and 21 in August. Fun fact that I normally like to share about them is that they have the same birthday, even though they are four years apart. Wow. Yeah. They they actually love it. So most kids wouldn't like it, but they do. But that's how close they are. They're so close. And I'm also a people manager. I am a manager of about 50 agents in a call center here. And we are in the energy efficiency field. So I help customers calling in with questions about their rebates and things like that.

SPEAKER_03:

You're kind of a big deal then.

SPEAKER_02:

Kind of.

SPEAKER_03:

No, that's actually like really exciting. I I guess when you raise two kids by yourself, it sort of probably uniquely equips you to deal with, you know, a call center full of people.

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03:

Almost the same amount of chaos, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Sometimes more.

SPEAKER_03:

And I I see here that also you're developing a podcast. Did you want to share anything about that or is that still under wraps?

SPEAKER_02:

Sure. I am in the beginning stages. I actually recorded my first episode yesterday.

SPEAKER_01:

Congratulations.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you. It went really well. I'm super excited. The name of the podcast is Echoes of Resilience. And it talks, um, we talk about or two women who have faced some difficult life challenges and bounce back. We talk about uh resources that they use to help them get through what they were going through, the lessons that they learn. Uh, we talk about self-care and what resilience means to them. So I'm super excited. It's my baby.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, this sounds like it's a bit of a passion project for you.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, for sure.

SPEAKER_03:

No, that that's really exciting. I mean, like there's not enough people, I don't think, talking about these sorts of things. And I I I always really appreciate hearing about people who are sort of, you know, if they're not finding adequate resources or not quite the right ones, when they become a resource themselves. It's just it's it's really good. Thank you for jumping into the fray and and providing something like that for people. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, well, now that we've talked you up, what what brings you to when the bow breaks today?

SPEAKER_02:

So I saw a call for people who are estranged from their families, and I've answered. So it is pretty much an ongoing thing for me, or it has been over the years.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Where my family has either either I have, you know, cut ties with them and walked away and just didn't have any dealings whatsoever. It's been a few times off and on throughout my life. I guess to start out with, I am adopted. I'm also adopted in the family. So my great uncle adopted myself and my little brother. He is the uncle of my mother. Um, he and his wife adopted us. Wow. Um, they've had me since day one, basically since I came home from the hospital. And uh a little over a year later, my brother came and they adopted him as well. With them being, you know, the same age as my um grandparents would have been. They had older children, my aunt and uncle. And so oftentimes those children were left to uh help in the raising of us, I guess.

SPEAKER_03:

So they were like extra parents, you mean?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Yeah. So they had um authoritative influence over over us. And let's see, probably for most of my childhood growing up, they didn't have a lot to do with us. They were just kind of around. Particularly one of the siblings that would ultimately be responsible for a lot of raising us was in another state living with her family. Um, she had started a family and moved to another state.

SPEAKER_03:

Just sorry, I I hate to interrupt you. So she was responsible for you while she was out of state or before she went out of state?

SPEAKER_02:

She was not. So she was not in the picture a lot of time as far as me growing up till I got to be probably preteen.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, 11 or 12. She was in and out, like back and forth. I did spend some time with her in another state. I can remember that. But when I was 11 or 12, one of our siblings was in an accident. Um, it was in the wintertime, and she was hitchhiking and jumped in a vehicle that was an 18-wheeler, a semi. And that driver fell asleep at the wheel and ended up colliding with another semi.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02:

That left my sister, a quadruple. She was paralyzed from her neck down. And so at the time, we were living in a completely different city from where she was. It was about an hour and a half away. And our whole life was uprooted. And well, one of the adults decided that we were going to move to um a capital city where there would be more help for my sister, who was a quadriplegic. And that's where the other sister that became the authoritative figure kind of took over. So she's like, hey, we're moving here, they have better hospitals. So the family did move for some time. It was just myself and my brother with her. And I don't know, you know, what her gripe was with my mother to this day, but she hated my mother. Um, and so she made sure that she reminded us of that hate that she had for our mother, um, and just would say very awful things to us that as an adult thinking back, I'm like, oh, how could you ever, you know, say those things to a child?

SPEAKER_03:

Um that's a lot for a kid of you know 11-ish to be dealing with.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Wow.

SPEAKER_02:

It was it was a lot, and I even just with like the whole accident and the mood, our world was being just turned upside down.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And so yeah, I I think a lot about you know why she was the way she was, and just knowing her. She's very controlling, and she wants to control things, and she wants them to go her way. And I think she wanted to like control my spirit or like break my spirit, and I think that that made her dislike me even more that she couldn't do that.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I could see that being frustrating for that type of personality.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

They like victims, they don't like people that can hold their ground, do they?

SPEAKER_02:

No, not at all. And the more I would resist, I think the more she just felt like, uh, you know, what am I gonna do with you? So I grew up in, you know, in that house, and I pretty much was left to kind of take care of my sister that was a quadriplegic. I did a lot of things for her. They ended up having a huge home built, and my room was strategically put across the hall from hers. So I was pretty much up at her beck and call whenever she would call me in the middle of the night, one, two, three o'clock in the morning.

SPEAKER_03:

And what age range are we kind of talking about here during this time?

SPEAKER_02:

Probably about 16. I was about 16, 17.

SPEAKER_03:

That that's still kind of young to be like a full-time, essentially on-call nurse for somebody who's physically challenged.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Um, you know, and it's it was my sister and I loved her, and it was frustrating at times. And like I said, on top of everything else that I was dealing with, it was a lie. It really was. But it was my life, you know.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, did it ever occur to you that this was not like the normal order of things, or was this just kind of business as usual for you?

SPEAKER_02:

Pretty much everything about my childhood I knew was not normal. I knew that, you know, this isn't the way that I'm supposed to be talked to, this isn't the way that I'm supposed to be treated, this isn't normal.

SPEAKER_03:

So that must have made it all that much heavier then.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. I didn't know the word for it, but I knew that it was dysfunctional. I didn't know that that was the word, but I knew that it wasn't healthy. And also that energy kind of goes against everything that is me. I am rebellious, and I am free, and I am, you know, they they always called me weird growing up, and I always took that in such a negative way because that's how they put it out there, you know. They would always address it as a negative thing.

SPEAKER_03:

It's kind of interesting though, because I mean, right from the tone of your voice when you said hello today, I got this strong sense that you were a very determined person. And like just the little bit you share with your story so far, it's really becoming clear why that is the case.

SPEAKER_02:

I definitely think that a lot of my child rearing is why my personality is the way that it is, for sure. I've I've learned a lot of lessons from my uh quote unquote parental relationships, I think.

SPEAKER_03:

No, I I I get that. I I I come out of kind of like a less than ideal environment myself. So I know how like these negatives can be translated into strong positives when dealing with my own kids. It sounds like you know, that's been your experience as well, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, yes, for sure.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So I um how we got to the point where I just, you know, felt like enough is enough. Well, before that, I so the sister that I hoped to take care of actually she had gotten a settlement from her accident. And I will always be around and hearing the adults talk. And I remember hearing my sister say on several occasions, she wanted my brother and I included in on her will, and she wanted us to be equal as all the other brothers and sisters, because my parents who raised us never, I never saw them as anything as my parents, and they never presented me as anything but their child. So it was clear to them that they, you know, they loved me and were raising me and my brother as their children. And for the most part, I think for all the siblings, I I believe that that's what they, you know, thought as well. But the one particular sibling didn't feel that that we should be equal, even though we my brother and I did most of the taking care of my sister. I mean, he had to help get her in and out of the van whenever she wanted to go anywhere. It was a big, long, drawn-out process. And he had to put her on the foyer lift and lift her up and put her in the chair. And, you know, we and I don't think our sister took all that we did for her for granted. I think she knew that that that was a heavy ask and that it was a lot for teenagers to do, and that she saw and recognized that we did that. And, you know, her stance was they should get equal as all the siblings because they're a sibling. And I can remember hearing this sister, you know, rebut it and she didn't like it and she didn't want it. And I heard her say one time, if it were left up to me, they wouldn't get anything.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02:

So I'm like, oh, okay. So time goes on. My sister, you know, I didn't think much of it because I really didn't care, honestly. My sister passed away, and she lived for quite some time. They didn't think she would, but she lived for quite a while, and there was a blowout between one of the siblings and the other sister, and the other sibling kept saying, She changed the will, she changed the will. And so I'm like, What? Okay, whatever, you know, time goes on, comes time for the money to come, and my brother and I got one check for$2,000.

SPEAKER_03:

And that was obviously not what you were expecting.

SPEAKER_02:

I knew that there was more than$4,000 between the two of us. That should have been, you know, there she there was a multimillion dollar lawsuit, and I knew that all the siblings didn't get$2,000. So I knew that it wasn't fair, and I knew that she changed the will. And I mean, though those words just came back to my mind. I took the money, I didn't fuss, I just, you know, I signed the check and cashed it, and just thought, well, well, so be it, you know. I also never cried and was never as hurt as I was that day. Because all the years of me questioning my identity and if they love me, and do they have to put up with me, that verified and validated all the doubts that I had, but had tried to squash in my mind all over the years. That brought it to life and it verified it for me. And the message was, you're not one of us.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, that's not about$2,000 at that point. That's not at all losing your sense of you know your valid role in the family, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

That must have been incredibly hurtful for you.

SPEAKER_02:

It was devastating and crushing because all my life I've been, I don't belong, they don't want me. And then I would come back and be like, but they have to, they raised you, they it they chose you, you know, they picked you, they have to love you, you know. And for that to happen, it was just a slap in the face, and it was like, see, told you so. They don't like you, they don't love you. Um, and also what was also um hurtful was that none of the other siblings stood up. None of them said, Hey, this is wrong, we're gonna make it right. None of them said, You can't do this, we won't allow this. Right, you know, so you know, while they weren't responsible for changing the will, I felt like they played a part in that.

SPEAKER_03:

Through very inaction, you mean?

SPEAKER_01:

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. And my dad was still alive at the time, and I kind of, you know, also blamed him, even though this sibling is very controlling, almost manipulative, controlling. She has that type of spirit. And so she has done that to everybody around her. And if you don't play her game her way, then it's hell to pay.

SPEAKER_03:

So the path of least resistance is just to follow whatever nastiness that she's weaving.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Yeah. So that was the first part of me ever, you know, just totally alienating the family and being like, you know, I'm too hurt. I don't want to deal with this. Um we never really communicated growing up. So what's the point of me trying to talk? I already know it's gonna be, you know, it's gonna fall on deaf ears. So I just I I kind of distanced myself for many years. I did.

SPEAKER_03:

So how how old are you when this first wave of estrangement starts?

SPEAKER_02:

Probably about 25 or 26.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

And I so there was just no communication. Um, of course, she would say nasty things about me to other people for it to get back to me. And my brother also cut ties with them at that time. So I didn't speak to them or anything for a while. And then I think I kept going back and forth because I kept feeling guilty because I feel like I owe them something because they raised me. And so I I would go back and be like, okay, forgive and forget, and let's just move on. And I kept feeling like reach out to your dad. I just kept having a thought of reach out to my dad and take him to breakfast and blah, blah, blah. But I kept putting it off. And we still weren't speaking, and I kept putting it off, and then one day they called and said that my dad had had a stroke.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02:

And I was so devastated because I knew that like the weeks coming up to him having the stroke were when it was really strong in my mind to reach out to my dad. And so I was at the hospital, so of course I was around more, and it to them, you know, it's kind of like, okay, well, she's she snapped out of it and she's back, you know, coming around or whatever. And my dad ended up passing away from the stroke, but I did get to tell him like everything that I wanted to tell him, which is why I kept thinking, like, take him to lunch or to breakfast and you know, tell him you're thankful, and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, you know, because we weren't like feeling type of people, like we don't share our feelings, and you know, my dad was a dude's dude, and I just was like, oh, he's not mushy, and you know.

SPEAKER_03:

Is that a big part of what held you back from expressing yourself then?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Yeah. And is not comfortable. And I was like, I don't want it to be awkward. And so I just kept putting it off, and I didn't really realize that. Honestly, I think that was like my last chance to tell him how I felt. So when he was in the hospital, he was coherent, and I did get a chance to tell him that I held his hand. And I told him that I thank him for raising me and for choosing me, and that he was the best and the strongest and the bravest man I had ever met, and the only man that I ever fully trusted in my life. And I just got to just speak all these beautiful things to my dad. And he couldn't speak back, but my dad wasn't mushy, remember. And when I got done, a tear dropped down his eye. And he shook his head, yes.

SPEAKER_03:

What a beautiful moment.

SPEAKER_02:

And so I knew that he had heard everything that I needed him to hear from me. Yeah. And I also knew that probably none of his other children had that opportunity to have that moment because I knew that it was on my heart for a reason. You know, he needed to hear that. And he died a little a couple days after that, he passed away. And there was still, you know, a little the the negative energy and toxicity where there ended up being a blowout with my sister about a cell phone. And it was because I think she felt like she was about to get exposed about something. So she just flipped out. And I said, that's it, I don't have to take this. So again, I kind of kept myself away from the family for, and I mean, and that didn't take any time, honestly. Maybe about two years.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

And and then they opened a restaurant, and my sister kept messaging me, and she's like, I need you to be my sister. Will you please be my sister? And I the soft spot in my heart again.

SPEAKER_03:

Sucker.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Yes. I started coming around. I started helping out at the restaurant. I started helping out with social media. It's, you know, oh, it's in my dad's name because it was it's a barbecue restaurant, and he loved to barbecue, and it was his recipe. And oh, we're doing this for daddy. And once again, the negativity and the toxicity presented itself again. And in this case, you know, but my son was graduating, and they were, yeah, we're gonna be there, and we love him, and blah, blah, blah. Well, the day comes and nobody's there for his graduation. And I'm like, you know, I'm tired of being let down. My son didn't deserve this. You know, they basically lied and said they were coming and didn't come, and then everybody had an excuse.

SPEAKER_03:

But now they're messing with your kids, that's a whole different emotional realm, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Mess with me is one thing, but the kids is something completely different. So I cut off ties again, and that was two years ago now. And it's so crazy because it's just the one person in the family, but I have to cut ties with everybody because they're all so I don't want to say brainwashed, but they're just so like in tune with the the order of how she thinks things should go. Yeah. That it's like I have to have a relationship with her if I have a relationship with anybody else.

SPEAKER_03:

And that sounds like a bad package deal.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. So I just felt like if you don't like me and you, you know, you just can't stand me, why would you want me to keep coming around? And like when I'm not, you know, really on speaking terms with them, they'll reach out and they'll haul and they'll have my cousin call, and they're, you know, oh, we miss you and we want to know how the kids are. But it's like, I don't know. I know in my culture and community, we are kind of taught to like put up with everything because it's family. Oh, it's family, it's family. Oh, it that's family. And it's like, where was their family mentality or mindset when they were doing all the things that they were doing to me?

SPEAKER_03:

And and that's a that's a fair question, I think.

SPEAKER_02:

It's and it's always, you know, I always ask because I'm like, well, you expect me to accept certain behaviors because I'm family. Do you not accept them to not do certain things to me because I'm family, you know? So I just decided that I don't want to keep on that on that merry-go-round of just negativity and it's unhealthy.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, well, it sounds like it's it's definitely not good for you. This doesn't sound like a case of you've just got fragile feelings and you need to, you know, figure out your own end of things entirely. It sounds like I don't know, in my opinion, you you did the only thing you could do, which is protect yourself and and your kids.

SPEAKER_00:

If you are experiencing estrangement from a family member and would like to be a guest, you can email us at wtbbpodcast at gmail.com. Your privacy is important to us. Guests have the option to remain anonymous or use a pseudonym.

SPEAKER_03:

So, like, you're obviously sitting on a lot of like either unanswered or unanswerable questions as far as your your family members are concerned, like most especially your sister, as far as her motivations and whatnot. Like in in the day-to-day, like how do you how do you carry that? Like, what do you do?

SPEAKER_02:

Um, I think, and it might sound uh cliche, but I just try to be the best person that I can be.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, because like I know that she is she has a sickness, and there's nothing that I can do about that, but what I can do is decide that I'm not going to let her sickness contaminate contaminate me. Okay. I can't change her, I can't make her see the air of her ways and her thinking, and you know, how could you? Because she's always going to have justification for doing what she has done because it's what makes her be able to sleep at night, you know. She's totally justified in doing everything that she's done in her mind.

SPEAKER_03:

I've got a sister who's just like that. So I feel your pain.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's like, you know, how do you live with yourself? How are you a decent human being? How can you look at yourself in the mirror? And it's like, oh, because people like that make it okay in their minds for what they're doing.

SPEAKER_03:

From her perspective, she probably doesn't even realize how nasty she's actually being.

SPEAKER_02:

No. And it's a way of life, and you know, I had my cousin kept saying, Well, why do you expect any different? And it and that pissed me off so bad. Like it made me so mad. And but I understand now what she meant. She the sister is like that with everybody, like she doesn't like anyone, she doesn't like herself. Like it wasn't a personal thing. I think that's what my cousin was trying to get me to see.

SPEAKER_03:

So your cousin's not like shrugging her shoulders and saying, Well, that's just her. She's basically telling you set realistic expectations.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. Your cousin sounds like a smart cookie.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. She is. She, I I value her opinion all like, and we grew up together. So she knows, like she grew up in that household. So she knows, you know, how her it's her odd. She knows how she is. But I was just like, no, I don't, I get to choose how the relationships that I'm in, how they're gonna go. And if they're not going the way that's healthy for me, then I don't, I don't have to be in that relationship, no matter who you are, even if you are my family.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Well, I I know somebody told me years ago when when I was dealing with family estrangement stuff and really not sure how to navigate the emotions. That they said, not everybody you lose is a loss. Can you identify it all with that statement?

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely. Absolutely. Um, because she really brought no nothing positive, it was just all negative energy. And I mean, that's what I wanted to get away from, you know, that's what I wanted to lose. So I I definitely can agree with that. That not everybody you lose is a loss.

SPEAKER_03:

When you think about your sister, what what comes up emotionally? Are you feeling the love there, or is there something more complicated? Like I'm always curious about this end of things.

SPEAKER_02:

Honestly, I don't feel the love there. I can never feel the love there. The words are very powerful. Um, I've I've heard people say that you know verbal and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because you know, the bruises and the scars go away.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And with with the verbal and emotional, you constantly have those words, you know, ringing in your mind. You have to constantly for me, I have to constantly unlearn things that were poured into me as a child from an authoritative figure, somebody who I should be able to trust and believe everything that they say, who has spent a great part of their life sewing foul, vile words into my heart about my mother, against my mother, and ultimately about and against myself.

SPEAKER_03:

No, it's almost like you get taught to like um abuse yourself inside your own head.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, yeah. I hated my mother. I hated my mother because of all of the things she would say to me about my mom. She would tell me your mother doesn't want you, she didn't want you, nobody wants you. You're not gonna be nothing in this world. And it's like, how could you know, as an adult and even with children, I would never tell my kids anything that I know would bruise their little souls or their spirits or their egos.

SPEAKER_03:

No, that that's just a realm of nasty. I I I can't even because I mean you're a parent, I'm a parent. Like we we've got kids, but even if they weren't our kids, they were like total stranger kids, even if they were nasty, unbehaved kids. Like I couldn't torture a child psychologically like that. My my my mind just not wired that way. So yeah. It's like when you when you think back on your own childhood, like it's gonna be a fairly on-the-nose observation. I mean, like, you know how wrong that is. You're obviously gonna have some resentments there.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

But how do you cope with that in the day today? Like when these things come up.

SPEAKER_02:

So I I think for me, what's really important is forgiveness for me. Because the and I will tell you back to the the will changing of the will, that took a lot for me to come back from. It did. It took a lot for me to say, okay, I'll trust you and I'll be your sister again. It took a lot for me to come back from that because I was betrayed to the highest level of betrayal that you know that I could imagine. And I literally had to forgive her and just pray and be like, you know what, I have to let this go. And I knew that I had to let it go. I had to let go of all the anger and the resentment for myself. And to be 100% honest with you, once I let that go and forgave everybody involved, I felt so much better because uh there was a time I couldn't not tell that story without crying. And and I am not a super emotional person. It takes a lot for me to come to tears.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

And that thing hurt me so bad. But I had to, when I I know that when I let it go, telling that story didn't have there wasn't the power in it anymore. Once I forgave for that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So, and and I really am at a point, and I'm I'm gonna be totally transparent here. Two years past this last incident, there have been some things said to other people, you know, so that it comes back to me that are nasty. Nasty things said. And um, so I'm I'm struggling with the forgiveness again because you know, people think that when you forgive somebody, they think a couple different things. When you forgive people, oh that's it, you just forgive them and they're forgiven. No, sometimes it's a process, sometimes I have to forgive on a layaway plan.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, you guys like a daily decision, yes, for sure.

SPEAKER_02:

And then people, you know, they also think that, oh, when you forgive them, you have to be friends with them again, and that's absolutely not the case. I can forgive and I can forfeit toxicity, I can forgive you and say, but I don't want to deal with this anymore. So I think kind of for me, I'm kind of trying to find balance right now between forgiving and accepting because it is even though it wasn't ideal, it was what I knew. It was my life.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So accepting that, you know, I'm not, it hurts me. It does. It hurts me that, you know, my other sibling is is with her, and I really can't talk to that other sibling because she's so whenever I get on the phone with her, she wants to get this other sister on the phone. And I hate that.

SPEAKER_03:

So you're not talking to your sister, you're talking to your other sister's agent, basically.

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. Yeah, that's I don't want to talk to her, you know. So if I can't call and talk to you, then just you, then I won't call. So it is a balance because I will think, oh, I miss my one sister, you know, I'll reach out to her daughter and ask how she's doing and tell her that I asked about her or whatever. But it's kind of like a balancing act and trying to find in myself, okay, how can I come to a healthy, you know, medium to where I'm just like, I don't want to deal with this, all the pain and the negativity that comes with that anymore, even though I do, you know, I do miss them, but I feel like it's what's best for my emotional well-being.

SPEAKER_03:

And I don't know the stuff that like people who don't deal directly with estrangement issues, I don't think they understand like how complicated family stuff can get. Because I mean, it it's usually a case of you're dealing with one person who just absolutely has to go. But they take so much other stuff, like people with them, so much other stuff, like not just relationships, but opportunities, your sense of self that all goes out the door with this nasty person.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

And yeah, yeah, it can be like really challenging figuring out like just you know, how do I find me in all of this, like the best me?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, because I struggle. I do, I it's I think I feel guilty sometimes, and I like I don't sit in that for a long time, but I do kind of sometimes feel like well, I owe them, you know. Yeah, well, they raise me, and I I will feel like, well, that's wrong for me. But then I I go back to, but what about me? Who is concerned for me? Who thinks about me? Who's trying to protect me? And I know that that is nobody's responsibility but my own. So I have to make some some hard choices and decisions. And I think my peace of mind is more important than making them feel good, because at the end of the day, that's what they want me around for. They don't want it to be any friction, or they don't want me to show that there's friction, but they want to continue to behave like they do.

SPEAKER_03:

And they want you to be willing participant, yes.

SPEAKER_02:

And and and nothing about me is is that is is just, you know, you don't get to treat me any kind of way, no matter who you are. You're not allowed to to mistreat me and misuse me.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. So do you do you feel like you've gained more than you've lost in all of this?

SPEAKER_02:

Um, I do honestly feel like that's a good question. I do feel like I've gained more than I've lost. I really feel like everything that we go through is, you know, for a reason. And I've I've gotten a lot of insight and a lot of who I am, and I've been able to, I guess, you know, it's kind of how I cope too, is the knowledge that I've been able to take my power back. As a child, you might have been able to say all these terrible things to me and treat me however, and I had to deal with it and put up with it and shut up and do as you say. But as an adult, I can make a good decision based off all these years of experiences, and I can stand up for that little girl who you told wouldn't be anything, who you said was unwanted, who you said didn't have a voice, and I can be all those things, and you don't get the pleasure of having me in your life because you know what? I am a pretty awesome person. So, you know, I feel like it's your loss, you know, that you don't get to have all this awesomeness in your life, yeah, and you know, you just have to go be miserable. So, yeah, I do. I feel like I've gained much more, much more than I have lost.

SPEAKER_03:

So, what's the next step for you as far as your role in this family that is estranged?

SPEAKER_02:

Um, I honestly don't know how to answer that. For me, I just it's just Just better for me emotionally and mentally to keep my distance and to just rest in the fact that, you know, whatever consequences they have to deal with in regards to any wrongdoing of me, they'll have to face that one day. I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but you know, there are consequences to your actions. And I will say that, you know, the last time, you know, she said she, they're so disrespectful. And I don't know, that kind of pissed me off because I've always been respectful of them and I've always treated the siblings almost like they were my parents. So I gave a lot of respect, even where it wasn't due to me at times. But I am, I'm totally fine with having peace in my life, in my mind, and in my heart. If, you know, which I highly doubt, they were to reach out and say, hey, I want to talk to you. I sincerely apologize and blah, blah, blah. You know, I might move forward. But as far as us having like the traditional close family relationship, like we did before, how you know, where I was, because I was there like at all the family functions, I would show up and I would participate. And, you know, I was in charge of getting at Thanksgiving of getting all the names for we did, we did uh Christmas drawing. So we pulled a name and everybody was responsible. So I was in charge of that. I I think that that is that is over because I just refuse to continue to put myself in a situation where I'm not honored, where I'm not respected, and where I'm not valued.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. So if you could say something to you know, the sister in question and actually have her understand and accept and absorb it, what would that be?

SPEAKER_02:

Um It would be that I know we can't change what has happened in the past. Um, but I wish I knew who hurt you and to you know, to make you just do and say some of the mean and ugly, nasty things. I wish I could understand you more and where your anger and hatred is coming from. And I wish that you could know that it's misplaced. Um, and I wish that you could know that had you cultivated the relationship properly, we could have an amazing relationship. And you could have not only an amazing sister, but an amazing friend.

SPEAKER_03:

That's yeah, that that that's powerful stuff, Star.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you for asking me that question.

SPEAKER_03:

It it's it's a question that's kind of you know, it's it's close to home for me. Yeah. I I think it it helps for us to think about these things sometimes, at least.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, for sure.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm I'm kind of reeling from like all the details of your family's story. I mean, it's like really, really big stuff for you know a small person to have had to deal with, you know, like referring to you in childhood. But honestly, like through your words and just a little bit you shared here today, I I really feel like you're taking your experiences and using them using them to empower other people as well.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Which which is like just so cool. I like that you aren't just sitting in the corner licking your wounds, you're actually saying, Yeah, like there's life after all this nonsense.

SPEAKER_01:

For sure.

SPEAKER_03:

Like I love your outlook and your attitude. It's just really positive, inspiring stuff. So thank you. I I'm really looking forward to hearing your new podcast when it comes out. Again, for those people listening, the podcast will be called Echoes of Resilience.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

And um as soon as that is available, we'll we'll have to post links on um our website and in the show notes here so that people can take advantage of listening to this great stuff. That's fantastic. I I really do appreciate you taking the time and like not just the time, but actually exposing some like really deep emotional stuff here and like in private moments just in the in the um interest of helping other people. I mean, it's it takes a lot of courage, and I really do appreciate you showing that for us here today.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, thank you so much for this platform. And to be honest, I didn't even really think that having this conversation would be as helpful as it was. So thank you for your platform, and because it is definitely something that you know people are going through, and um people need to get through and they need resources and they need to hear, you know, stories of how people have done it and how they're maneuvering it. So thanks.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, really appreciate that. You're welcome. Thank thank you again, Star, for taking the time.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you for listening to When the Bow Breaks. Links in this week's show notes. As always, please remember to like, follow, and share. Thoughts expressed by our guests do not necessarily reflect the views of WTP or its affiliates. The views expressed on this show are opinion and experience based and are not intended as a substitute for therapy. Content should not be taken as medical advice, and it's here for informational purposes only. Please consult your health care professional for any medical or mental health related questions.

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Alexis Arralynn

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