When Grief Becomes a Weapon

When Grief Becomes a Weapon

Chances are, you’ve probably lived this every holiday—just never had a name for it. In this cheeky solo episode, Alexis breaks down annual family trauma rituals, how to spot them in real time, and how to cope. Stay tuned. Part of our Healing for the Holidays series

#grief #depression #healing #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #familyestrangement #trauma #ptsd #estrangement #narcissisticabuse #loss #bereavement #copingwithloss #christmas 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:05

When grief becomes a weapon, this episode is about understanding annual holiday trauma rituals. Stick with me here. Okay, stick with me. Some families have a ritual that isn't in any greeting card. Every holiday, one person brings up a decades-old tragedy. For example, the death of a baby.

SPEAKER_00: 0:41

And they reroute the entire room's emotional energy into grief, guilt, or pity. Now, you guys, as my listeners, you know this dynamic.

SPEAKER_01: 0:59

You've lived this, you've sat through this, and you've been sick from it, but you probably didn't know what to call it.

SPEAKER_00: 1:07

So let's put a name to it, shall we? This behavior is a form of trauma-centric control.

SPEAKER_01: 1:18

So when a person, especially a covert malignant narcissist, insists on reintroducing the same tragedy every single year at the exact same moment, what they're doing is not a remembrance.

SPEAKER_00: 1:35

It's not grief. It is emotional dominance. It is narrative control. It is power maintenance.

SPEAKER_01: 1:52

And it is forced emotional reset for the entire group. Again, this is not spontaneous grief. It happens every year. It happens every special event. Just think about it. Think about the person. For me, it was my mother. She brought up uh someone's deceased baby every year, a baby that lived only to be an hour an hour old. And for some reason, she had to bring it up every single year on Christmas morning just before we were opening our gifts. And she used to wonder why we would, why we didn't like that. Uh it's annualized emotional hijacking. You look forward to the holiday all year, and then every year she does this. She ruined so many Christmases, and she knew what she was doing. She enjoyed it. This is why covert malignant narcissists do this, okay? This is why they enjoy it. They enjoy it and they do this to reestablish their position as the like the most wounded. Because they it all has to be about them. It's all about their pain. Even though it wasn't her baby, it wasn't her wound. It was, but she's still the most wounded. It was about her pain, about you know, her bringing it up. So in dysfunctional systems, whoever holds the deepest pain becomes like sort of the untouchable one. You're not allowed to say certain things or do certain things. You're they're immune from criticism and they're also exempt from responsibility.

SPEAKER_00: 3:42

And they're chronically catered to. If we ever spoke out against things like that, we would be abused. And so we were kind of forced to just be quiet about it. We couldn't confront her safely.

SPEAKER_01: 4:11

And we had to cradle her whatever emotion she was trying to portray. So this person uses the dead baby to crown themselves every year.

SPEAKER_00: 4:24

Like sh that's what she did.

SPEAKER_01: 4:31

All of a sudden, all the attention and all the feelings shifted towards my mother in that moment every single year, and it was so goddamn annoying. And she did this every year.

SPEAKER_00: 4:42

Grief, she used it as a social currency. She did this, malignant narcissists, they do this to control the emotional tone of the group. Narcissists cannot tolerate other people being joyful. Narcissists cannot tolerate other people getting attention. Narcissists can't tolerate not being the sun and everyone's orbits.

SPEAKER_01: 5:23

For example, I was a joyful kid. I got a lot of attention because I was weird and I was quirky and I was autistic and no one knew, and I was also really talented, and I memorized things, and I was in plays and I sang and and I did modeling and I did all these things. My mother fucking hated that. I excelled in everything. She set me up to fail, but I just kept like excelling, and it would just make her mad. So then she would do things like this to make me upset before uh before a show or something like that. She would inject tragedy in to in order to reposition the spotlight. So back to like, you know, our living room at Christmas time, we couldn't stop being, we couldn't be joyful anymore. We nobody else could be getting any attention. It didn't matter who was opening their gift or anything. Nobody was allowed to be the center of attention other than her in that moment.

SPEAKER_00: 6:30

And she used a deceased baby to do it year after year. And whenever she did this, it worked instantly. The room would collapse emotionally, everyone would get upset, and she would become the gravitational center again.

SPEAKER_01: 6:54

Malignant covert narcissists also do this in order to prevent other people from holding boundaries. If they control the emotional landscape with sorrow, they're less likely to be confronted. People aren't gonna set limits for that. How sad she's sad? It's like, no, like it works for a while, but not too long. No one brings up their behavior. At least no one did for years. It took it took us years to like finally tell my mom to stop doing that. And she, but she didn't care. She didn't, again, uh if you do set boundaries, they completely ignore them. They don't give a shit. You can't call out a narcissist when they've just reminded you of their pain. It's a shield. They do that on purpose.

SPEAKER_00: 7:50

They hurt you so they can't, so you can't say anything. You're just sitting there hurt. Uh they do this to preserve a narrative where they are forever the victim. The story becomes look what happened to me. I lost my grandbaby. I will never recover. Meanwhile, the truth is they don't really give a shit.

SPEAKER_01: 8:22

They're just using the tragedy to maintain control of the group.

SPEAKER_00: 8:26

They do this because healing would remove their power. If they healed from it, they'd lose pity from others. That's not genuine care, really.

SPEAKER_01: 8:45

If they healed, they would lose authority. They wouldn't be able to control the room anymore with people's emotions. They wouldn't be able to use that. Uh, they would lose the moral high ground. They would lose the attention, they would lose the emotional leverage.

SPEAKER_00: 9:00

If they healed, they'd give up control of other people. Instead of, you know, gaining self-control, they they cling to controlling others.

SPEAKER_01: 9:13

So they cling to the trauma, which controls us, like a like it's a crown. Not even like it's a tool, like it's an actual crown. They use it for attention. Uh, they don't want resolution. They won't, she wouldn't stop bringing it up. It's like they don't want to solve the problem. If there's an issue, there's they don't want anything to get better. They want renewal of their role, their revalence, and their power. So here's how it impacts the family. I mean, I've already kind of mentioned some stuff, like based off my experience. Uh, but you guys may still like recognize like some of the stuff. Emotional suffocation, okay? You're forced to sit in a grief that like isn't yours at a time that was designed for connection and warmth. We were sitting around getting ready to open Christmas gifts when we should have been bonding with each other and connecting with each other. She forced us into a grief that wasn't ours. She took our time that was designed for connection and warmth, and she sabotaged that and forced us to sit in a grief that wasn't ours, a grief that was disingenuine. A grief that she never gave an opportunity to heal. Number two, you experience confusion. Am I this cold if this doesn't hit me the same way? Like, why does she have to bring it up every year? Just because and just because I don't bring it up that doesn't mean that I don't grieve him any less. And that's what really bothered me. It's like I don't, if I'm grieving something, I didn't, I never felt the the need to uh to tell everybody about it at the worst possible moment. Like, what on earth? And she would normalize this because she would do it every single year. And she would get mad if you back talked her or if you told her to knock it off or if you pulled her aside quietly. Please don't do that. It's unnecessary. Like, but they normalize it in a way where they make you feel like you're the one that has the problem because, like, they're they're making you feel like you're the narcissist and you don't have any empathy when they're the ones weaponizing your feelings in the first place.

SPEAKER_00: 11:45

And you're wondering why you dread this every single year.

SPEAKER_01: 11:53

They might just bring bring up so-and-so every time you accomplish something.

SPEAKER_00: 12:02

You know? Think about it. It doesn't have to be a deceased child.

SPEAKER_01: 12:09

It could be, you know, what did your what did your parents bring up? Or what did that relative, or what did they bring up every single year that would just bother you and control you and upset you and and the whole entire group? Like, what was that? I want to know. Taking a break real quick, if you want to do that, if you want to be a guest, email us at wtbv podcast at gmail.com. We're gonna get to number three, like right now. Um, there's something else that that is happening here when they do this. It's called guilt conditioning. And this is another thing that you feel. If you don't react with the same with enough sadness, the narcissist will interpret it as disrespect, uh, a lack of loyalty, or a lack of empathy, emotional failure.

SPEAKER_00: 13:14

This trains the family to perform sorrow on command, on on their command. Another thing that you might be feeling, but not really, you know, able to really like verbally express is like, you know, just dreading.

SPEAKER_01: 13:33

I mean, everybody knows we dread the holidays, but why? Because they suck. Oh, because people say stupid things. It's like, yeah, but what? And why do they do it? And why they do they do it every year? And like, why do why does it happen why why? Like, I I I'm just digging deeper here, folks. Okay, I'm not, I I I know that y're the holidays. But it gives you anxiety. That's why everybody fucking drinks. They don't want to deal with it. We don't, they've ruined the holidays for us. It's not happy holidays anymore. It's not a Merry Christmas, it's not a happy holidays. See you next year. That's what we're that's where we're at right now, folks. Many estranged people fear the holidays because they know the meltdown is scheduled, somebody's gonna lose it. It might be me. Uh, the grief bomb is coming. Mom's gonna bring up so-and-so's dead baby again. Oh, great. You start to invent your own dark comedy because of that, because it's been decades, and and now this is the only thing you have left. The only the only tool you have left to deal with it now is to make a bunch of dark jokes, and now you feel like even more of an asshole. Because they're funny. Which makes it even worse. Or better. I don't know. We'll see. Anyway, their emotional needs will be erased too. When you go into that kind of space, your emotional needs don't matter. You might as well leave them at the front door. You might as well leave them on the porch. That family member that brings all that shit up every year, they don't give a shit about the way that you feel. They know how you feel, and they're using that. They're probably gonna go laugh in the corner. Oh, I did it again. I made them all, uh I made them all cry. How proud they are of themselves. So, so then that leads to, you know, the fifth thing is like the inability to celebrate or have joy. Nobody's celebrating, nobody's having joy, everybody's drinking, everybody's listening real closely to what everybody says. You know, some people are trying to play it cool and not say anything. You know, some people just go off and play with the kids or whatever, watch football, and you know, they try to gray rock it and and not rock the boat. So then joy becomes unsafe. You're not uncomfortable because of the things they say there. You're unsafe. You're unsafe to be joyful, man? You're not just dreading the holidays because you don't like those people and because they're lousy. You don't like going there because you're not allowed to be happy. And that's why you don't like being there. Don't go, dude. It's not worth it. Dude, do that's I don't don't go. If it ain't fun, don't do it. You're not obligated. I'm sorry. They can, you know, heal. But, you know, this is stuff that happens, man. Um, but anyway, uh if this happens and you're kind of in one of those situations where you really can't get out of it, you know that so-and-so's gonna bring this shit up or whatever. You know, these are some like short, respectful, non-engaging things that you can say to kind of like give them that little bit of attention and then kind of moving on, kind of feel.

SPEAKER_00: 17:13

It's like, I hear ya. That must still be hard for you. Then pivot your attention elsewhere.

SPEAKER_01: 17:23

This denies the narcissist an emotional supply. It's like it brings it, it's like it brings it back onto them.

SPEAKER_00: 17:29

Like, this is your problem. This is your grief. It's not mine. My grief doesn't look anything like yours. You can also preset the boundary, which I've tried, which won't work with a narcissist, by the way.

SPEAKER_01: 17:51

They won't listen, they won't do it. We warned my mother, we talked to my mother, she didn't give a shit.

SPEAKER_00: 17:57

But you could try setting a boundary before the holiday. So here's your little preset boundary you can try to set and hope it works.

SPEAKER_01: 18:09

You can say something like, I won't be participating in heavy emotional discussions during the holidays. I won't be bringing that person up or acknowledging it.

SPEAKER_00: 18:21

If it comes up, I will step out quietly. Clean, adult, non-negotiable.

SPEAKER_01: 18:34

With a narcissist, if you offer a disclaimer to them, or if you try and set a boundary with them, they'll just see that as, oh, I know her next move. So I don't give anybody my next move anymore. So if that were to happen, I don't want to warn people anymore. They already know I don't like stuff because I I I verbalize all of that. They already know narcissists already knows that you don't, that that makes you upset, that bothers you. They're gonna do it anyway. You still have power. You you can still get up and walk away and leave. That is your power.

SPEAKER_00: 19:07

That says a lot right there. She walked out.

SPEAKER_01: 19:14

Oh, maybe she doesn't like hearing this every single year while she's trying to be happy with her family and get on with her healing. You know? Uh you don't have to announce it. You don't have to debate it. You could just leave. Stand, walk, go to the bathroom, go outside, go have a smoke, go in your car, listen to music, be gone. You don't need to apologize for for leaving.

SPEAKER_00: 19:41

Uh so anyone wants to know why'd you leave it out? It's like ask yourself why you're asking me that question, why I left.

SPEAKER_01: 19:51

Like, if you have to wonder why I got up and left that situation, maybe maybe you need some therapy.

SPEAKER_00: 20:00

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01: 20:01

Um you could be bold if you're somebody who who sometimes will just say something, will will immediately bark back if if y 'cause I knew everyone was sick of it. I could hear the moans and the groans, you know, when everybody was just like, Why did she bring that up? Like, you know, I would just say something like it's not about that person, it's not about the deceased baby, it's not about this person that you keep bringing it up, it's not about this trauma that you keep bringing up. It's about control, it's about your unresolved trauma. This is not my burden, this is yours. Stop trying to throw it on us every single fucking year. Believe it or not, sometimes sticking up for yourself actually does protect your nervous system because your nervous system has been trying to train you and get you the guts and to stand up for yourself for a long time. But you couldn't when you were a kid, or you couldn't when you were first in that situation with that person. You're allowed to say something back, you're not allowed to just sit there and let them jerk you around emotionally. You can say if they start talking about it like, oh, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. If you continue to talk about that, I am taking my gifts and leaving. And I'm taking yours too.

unknown: 21:23

No.

SPEAKER_01: 21:24

Um, you don't have to put that put up with that. So, anyway, uh, enjoy the holiday if you can. Don't let someone else steal your joy or make you feel like you're not allowed to be happy. Let them cry for a change. Let them go cry if you're happy and they're not. That's life. You know? Um, there's things you can do. You don't have to put up with it. But if, you know, if you want to put up with it, there's ways to cope with it. So, anyway, this was another episode of When the Bow Breaks Podcast. With my arm in a sling. Uh, again, I didn't get injured. I'm just resting it. But, you know, this gives me something else to do. Uh, When the Bow Breaks Podcast, you can find us at wtbbpod.com to learn more and to subscribe. To learn more about my personal story or more about exiting religion, more about childhood trauma stuff, you can search my name, Alexis Arilyn, on YouTube. And there's all kinds of guest spots and things that I've done on other shows. And When the Bow Breaks podcast episodes are also up there, too. Uh, we recently went to video podcasting not too long ago, except for like these little solo episodes. So, some of those episodes you can watch. Uh, so check it out. And you can also subscribe. If you'd like to financially support the show, you can visit buy meacoffee.com slash WTBB podcast. We're up there. Just make sure the logo matches with the show. So, anyway, yeah. Happy holidays. Alexa Sara Lynn, thank you for listening to When the Bow Breaks Podcast, a Belfare media production.