"Bad Math"

Brian Cardoza's message is one of responsibility and hope. As a survivor, he works diligently raising awareness and money to fight against sexual assault and physical abuse. He believes in the potential to change your circumstances by changing your thinking. Brian's motto, "Don't let this moment dictate the next moment" is shared by the many he inspires.

https://buymeacoffee.com/wtbbpod

Transcript

SPEAKER_03: 0:06

Welcome to One About Breaks with your host, Alexis Elena.

SPEAKER_00: 0:17

Because my means started so young and because I was so isolated from my mother and my brother, I had no idea I was being abused. To me, it was just Tuesday. You know what I mean? Like, and so people are always like, Well, how did you get through this? How did you survive that? I'm always like, it was just Tuesday. Like, I don't know how else to explain it to you. I didn't I didn't realize I was being abused until years later when I'm I'm like you know in therapy, and I'm just like, holy but Jesus, that this happened.

SPEAKER_02: 0:54

Well, first tell me about your nonprofits.

SPEAKER_00: 0:58

Well, um, none of them are official nonprofits. I just don't take any donations. Um, so I just do them out of pocket. I uh I have a thing against people trying to um it's kind of like uh if you do something charitable and then you try to take credit for it, I don't think that was charity.

SPEAKER_01: 1:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:19

Um and so what I try to do is I try to um make money either selling my book or my art or just you know hustling. I have strong back, will move anything. You know what I mean? Like, and I try to put these events together. I try to make sure that they're free for people. I try to make sure that we um we get people that don't have much experience. Um so like Survivor Nights is a um, it's really kind of besides a couple of us, it's an amateur speaking event with a bunch of art. And I love doing that because whether the participants understand this or not, like if they want to become professional speakers, the hardest thing for them to do is find an audience in which they can speak in front of.

SPEAKER_02: 2:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 2:08

Um, and you can't find a job in that field unless you have video of you talking in front of an audience.

SPEAKER_02: 2:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 2:16

So we we host these events so that people can do that, so that people can take back control of their own stories. And then, you know, because um I know as a survivor, the most powerful thing I ever did was um start telling my story because it was just like I wrestled that out of the grip of my assault, my assailant, you know what I mean? So like um, I know how powerful that feeling is, and if people want to do that, I want to help foster that. I want them to look back and years later and just be like, who was that fat bastard? Oh, that was him, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, and I honestly, and as and as weird as this sounds, I I could give a rat's ass if I if on my gravestone it says like he helped a thousand people. I would rather it'd say, you know, like he reached one, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02: 3:07

Yeah, yeah, no, for sure. I haven't even launched my podcast yet, but I haven't, you know, like a total of like 375 views for since like the last month or something like that. I don't know if I'm supposed to give out my stats like on my my show or whatever, but I was like, but that's like one person, you know, for every day of the year at least, you know, who looked at it and who knows that it's there and the resources there. Yeah, I know I love that.

SPEAKER_00: 3:30

Yeah, and so um, so what we do with Survivor Nights is uh it's a traveling art show. Um, I have one coming up in Canada. Um there's been a couple of talks about in LA and stuff like that. And what it is is we get people, and so the motto, well, let me back up a little bit. The motto of Survivor Nights is um we we don't care what you survived, we just care that you did.

SPEAKER_02: 3:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 3:54

Um, and so if you're a cancer survivor, a domestic violence survivor, heart attack, drug addict, um, even a um caregiver, we and you communicate your pain and your emotion through art, whether that be through spoken word, music, painting, drawing, photo, photography, um, we want you to come display it because the other tagline is that you know, my darkest hour might be the light for somebody else. And so if I can't show that in my paintings or in my in my speeches, then I can't then I'm not helping anybody. I'm just holding on to that one thing that could help somebody else. So um that's why we do the shows, and that's why the shows are free. Um, and anybody can host them as long as they agree to follow the the very unique guidelines that during the time of the show, nothing is for sale. So um it's a four-hour show. Um if like so if you saw one of my pieces and you were like, hey, I want to buy that, um, at 11.59 it's for sale. Um at 12 o'clock, it's not. At threat at 4.01, it's for sale. At four o'clock, it wasn't because that's the during of the show. And it's there to raise awareness, not cash.

SPEAKER_02: 5:10

I like that.

SPEAKER_00: 5:11

And so that's where um some people don't like the show because it's like, well, if I want to sell it, yes, you you can sell it and they could even pay you for it, but they don't pick it up till after four. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01: 5:21

Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 5:22

Um, and because it's because it's there for that, it's there for that directly, it's there to raise awareness, it's there to speak a message, not um a message that you could buy me for 20 bucks. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02: 5:36

Yeah, but it sounds like it could benefit so many people. I mean, emotional art therapy is kind of a new thing for a lot of people, and I mean it helped me a lot. I mean, I have my all my crap is art, you know, up on my wall or hidden in my closet, but I do keep it and I do look at it because it does mean something to me.

SPEAKER_00: 5:55

Yeah, well, and the other thing I I I found, Alexis, um, when I was doing research and and figuring out what I wanted to do, was there is some similarity between trauma. And what I mean by that is when you look at, let's say, a rape survivor versus an attempted murder survivor or a domestic violence survivor, even cancer and HIV and heart attack, like the first 10 things we all pretty much have in common. We all go through the anger, the denial, the negotiations, the bartering. We do all this stuff, yeah. And we do it all the same. And and I I, as a male survivor of sex trafficking and abuse, you know, because of the amount that men don't come forward, I knew that if I wanted to talk to somebody about something, Alexis, I was gonna wait for a long time. You know, men don't come forward. Um, so I had if I wanted to heal, if I wanted to talk about it, I had to find somebody that could relate to some of the stuff. And I found that if I talked to a cancer survivor about the denial, if I talked to um a domestic violence survivor about the negotiation. Oh, wow, yeah, I see. Yeah, there was a similarity that you could have this conversation. And so the by the happy byproduct of Survivor Nights, and the reason why I put it this together this way was I'm a sex abuse survivor, so a lot of the stuff that I do has a lot to do with sex trafficking and sex abuse and stuff like that. And we don't talk about that in polite society. And to the people listening, I put air quotes as sarcastically as I could.

SPEAKER_01: 7:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 7:33

Um we don't talk about that. So, and the reason why is because it's too personal. Well, personally, I feel that it's nothing, it's not anything more personal than talking about prostate cancer or breast cancer, or you know, like any of these other things.

SPEAKER_02: 7:49

It involves another person, yeah. It's personal to an extent, but then you're violated, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 7:55

And it's and for me, it's the same thing as cancer. I mean, you're it's cancer is another thing that comes in and violates your body, you know what I mean? Like, yes. Um, so what I so what I've done is because we will talk about cancer, because we will talk about drug addiction, because we will talk about um in in a in a uh not as a less of a degree, but we will talk about domestic violence and stuff like that. So that when I put in a sex abuse piece, it becomes part of the nomenclature, it becomes part of that. Oh my god, we can talk about this. It's no different than the rest of this stuff. So we can talk about this, we can have conversations about what it takes to survive. Um, and so what it does is I feel it starts to normalize the topic. And once we start talking about it, once we start having those conversations, then the shadows that perpetrators live under start to get light. And and that's the only way we can do it, is we have to, we we have to talk about it.

SPEAKER_02: 8:59

You have to expose it.

SPEAKER_00: 9:00

Yep. Yeah, you know, there's no there's no better antiseptic than strong, stringent light. And the only way light comes is when we all acknowledge it. So um, and as long as you give people this barrier that we don't talk about that or we don't do this, they're gonna take it because it's easier to not do it. Um, but it's not easier on the victims.

SPEAKER_02: 9:20

Yeah, for sure, for sure. That's why I mean I was so excited when I got your email. Um, or when uh Abigail hooked us up. Uh, she is awesome. Hi, Abigail. Um uh when she hooked me up with you, I I read your story and I just I started crying right away. No, it's all right. It was just I'm a crier. That's just what's that's something new that everyone will learn about me is that I'm a crier. But um I just I'm I'm also very empathic. And so when I was reading your story, I just I identified with it on so many levels, even though I have not experienced the exact same things as you have, but we still share those same feelings, and there it's pain is pain. It doesn't really matter where it is on your body or in your in your heart or in your mind, pain is pain.

SPEAKER_00: 10:10

Yep, yeah. I don't know. Did you ever did you did you finally get my book? Or I got it.

SPEAKER_02: 10:15

I haven't been able to finish reading it yet. Um, honestly, I've been working on my launch for my podcast and I've been so busy. Um, but I do want to read it. I have it in my um, I got the uh what what is it called? The um the digital version? The ebook yes, the ebook. Yes, I have it in my laptop and um I was able to read the foreword or the beginning parts of it, and I got four kids too, so so I don't really have a whole lot of time to read. But um I that's one book that I'm going to keep picking up because I really, really, really want to know, you know, in depth everything. And um, I'm gonna encourage all my listeners to go out and buy it because even though you know that small chunk that I've read, it's already grabbed me. And if it weren't for all of my other responsibilities, I would have read it already. Um, but I'm going to pick it up again and I'm going to read it tonight. Um, because it's just it, it's like, I don't know, it just it really grabbed me. And I'm just, I'm so glad that you're here and I'm really excited.

SPEAKER_00: 11:12

Well, it's uh it's a shame because I always sign the books, but I can't sign your laptop.

SPEAKER_02: 11:17

Yeah. Well, you know what? I will definitely buy the copy and have you send it to you and have you sign it and I will keep it in my office. I would love that.

SPEAKER_00: 11:26

Yeah. Well, I always try like um out of the you know, out of the books that have sold, I always try to tell people like I've had this happen a couple times now where people are like, I bought the ebook, and I'm like, Well, I can't sign your ebook.

SPEAKER_02: 11:39

I love that though. Yeah, I just got the ebook real quick because I was like, Oh, I gotta read it, I gotta read it fast. And I was like, click, yes. So if you want to read it and you want to read it fast, do it, but buy the book because that's you know, he can't sign the digital form.

SPEAKER_00: 11:52

It was hilarious. I was at the gym and I was uh I was in the middle of a workout, and uh this guy, he it's a it's a 24-hour gym, and you have to sign in and all this kind of stuff. And this guy walks up, he walks in and he looks at me, and I'm on the treadmill, just you know, trying to trudge away in a single in a single space. And um, he walks by me, he goes, he goes, does a workout, comes back, checks the sign-in list, comes back up to me, and he goes, You're you're Brian Cardoza. And I was just like, uh I was like, Yeah, like and I was waiting for like you're served, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And uh he was like, I got your book, man. I was just like, holy crap, you know, like yeah, I was just like, I'm trying to do my triceps, but you just blew my mind. Um I love it. Yeah, it's it's you know, it's it's funny. Like the book was probably one of the hardest things to write because like um it was it, you know, you you go through therapy and you start to think that you're in a good space, and you you're in a space where you feel like you're not thinking about it every single day, and you you start to count your good days on both hands, and you know what I mean? Like you start to feel really good, and then all of a sudden you get this mission to write your book, and the good days start to, you know, rescind and you start to realize that um all the stuff that you thought happened to you and you realize and you remember happened to you, now you have to remember in detail, you know.

SPEAKER_02: 13:27

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 13:28

Um, it's it's a hard process. Uh, and for those that um do not have, and I and I I'm not trying to be a braggart, I don't I don't have a good support system. My support system is Calypso, my dog.

SPEAKER_02: 13:42

Um dogs are great, man.

SPEAKER_00: 13:44

Yeah, yeah, they are. Um, but you know, I I don't have the full integrated, you know, support system that a lot of other people do. And there were times when it was very trying and very um emotional, um, to where I had to like almost disassociate for about four months, four or five months to write that book. And then it took me about a year to recover from it because I was I I had just was like, I gotta write. And I would write, you know, a couple pages a day, and then I would just completely just be you know, like a borderline catonic state for you know yeah, and then after I sent it off to the editor and um all that kind of stuff, which my editor was amazing, she would look at it and she would just like she'd make some notes, send it back to me, and be like, answer further or go deeper. And um that's and those hurt, yeah, those hurt because you know, you're like, Well, I left it kind of vague because it was like you know, putting salt in her wound. But then she's like, Nope, gotta hear more about it next time.

SPEAKER_02: 14:48

Yeah, I'm trying that. I'm like attempting that with my blog, and like I'm trying to write like a blog like once a month about like my own, like whatever thing triggers me that month, you know. I'll be like, damn it, what is you know, I'm at the dentist and this stupid thing came up, you know, and so I write about it. But it is so hard to talk about like that stuff in detail just because you're going back there and you don't want to go back there.

SPEAKER_00: 15:12

Well, and then and then you add the part that like and this I don't know if this is just me and it maybe because I'm I'm I I really look at people I'm like, I'm kind of crazy. Um uh you know, and then when you're putting it out on paper, you still want to make it to where it's a gripping read. You know what I mean? So like so you have to use colorful verbs and nouns, and like you have to be like, I don't want to repeat, you know, bitch again. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02: 15:38

Yeah, I know there's not enough curse words to cover this.

SPEAKER_00: 15:41

Yeah, and so like you spend you spend an hour reworking and rewriting something when you're just like an F bomb would work perfectly on this page. Um, and and so then you're trying to imagine how to write it in a way that someone will want to keep reading so they get to the last page, and then then the last page. Um, I don't know if you looked at the last page, some people do, but the last page um is a letter to myself at six years old.

SPEAKER_02: 16:11

Oh, yeah, I didn't skip to the last page. I wasn't gonna do that to you. I was gonna read it from start to finish. But anyway, no, yeah, you did send me that though. Um, that's amazing. Go on.

SPEAKER_00: 16:23

No, I didn't, I didn't, I don't think I sent you the last page. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_02: 16:26

Yeah, you sent me like a little excerpt of it.

SPEAKER_00: 16:28

Yeah, yes, yes. Um that's on that's on the that's actually on the back page of the book. So um, but yeah, no, it's been uh that if anybody's on this podcast is thinking about doing their book, um you know, just bear in mind what I said that make sure you have a support system. Um and if you if you you know and make sure you're ready for the after effects, the aftermath, because um you know I'm I'm I mentally and physically I'm a very strong human being. Um I I've had to be.

SPEAKER_02: 17:02

Um you've had to grow in that.

SPEAKER_00: 17:05

Yeah. Well, you know, and that's part of it too, is that you know, my because my abuse started so young, my my default setting for emotion is still PTSD. Um so you know, you you you start to um go deeper into that to get through it, and then you realize that there's a price to pay for that. You have to, you have to recover, you have to come back out the other end, which means all the stuff that you were trying not to feel, you have to now feel.

SPEAKER_02: 17:35

Yeah. And how do you do that? Like when you get when you were like really deep into you know writing those things down, what kind of help do you kind of pull you kind of back up to you know the here and the now?

SPEAKER_00: 17:48

Yeah. Um, I would say it was all right. So um I I have been clean since 97 and I have been sober since 2011. Um, and like I don't even drink soda, like I'm just I like I have no vices. I had no vices other than food.

SPEAKER_02: 18:07

Congratulations, that's a big deal. Well, it was for me.

SPEAKER_00: 18:11

Yeah, I know it was for me. Um, and and now I've in what the last eight months I've lost 140 pounds because I realized that um if I want to help more people, I need to be alive to do it. Yes, yep. So um, so one of the things that I did to help me get through this, Alexis, was um the very first time I did a speech, it was uh a Toastmasters meeting. Are you familiar with Toastmasters? No, but I should be. Yes, you heard that. Um it's not how you make good rye bread. It's actually um Toastmasters is a uh organization worldwide that helps people uh develop speaking skills in public. And they're an amazing group, they're cheap, uh, and the the the education you get from them is just you you you couldn't pay you couldn't pay somebody to get this education, it's insane. All right. Um well, so the first time I did a speech about this topic was in front of 20, 18 to 20 expert speakers. And I'm like, this is like my third speech in the group. And um, and so I get done. Um, it was 18 minutes of a uh verbal diarrhea of everything that happened in my life.

SPEAKER_02: 19:34

I like that expression, that's totally what it is, too. Verbal diarrhea. I like that. I'm gonna use that.

SPEAKER_00: 19:40

Well, the first time anyone I I now I help people do this, but the first time anybody wants to communicate their pain, they try to um articulate it all as fast as humanly possible. And uh it's a it's a very human thing because you're trying to seek validation for everything that you went through.

SPEAKER_01: 19:59

And um

SPEAKER_00: 20:00

You don't want to forget anything, but then you have to realize that when you're in front of a group of people, they can only handle so much.

SPEAKER_02: 20:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 20:07

Before you start to lose them. So I get done with my verbal diarrhea. Um the the guys, the people in the group, you know, they rate the speech. They, you know, they tell me how brave I am and all this kind of stuff. And I don't want to sound like that's not important, but to me, it's really not. I'm not brave, I'm selfish. Um, and I'll explain that in a second. But so I I everybody's, you know, like the meeting ends, and at the very end of the meeting, Alexis. Now, this is crazy because I'm six foot two, right? So, very not very often do I have to look up to somebody, right? So, this old black gentleman, he's on a cane, he comes up to me, and I have to look up to him. I mean, like, he's that big, and he's and he's twice as big as I am. Like, he is just ginormous. And he punches me in the arm, he looks me dead in the face, and he goes, You keep talking for us, and then just walks out.

SPEAKER_02: 21:08

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00: 21:11

He punched you like it wasn't hard, but it was definitely a punch. Goodness. And you realize I realized at that point in time that this late 70s-year-old black gentleman probably just said more to me than he said to anybody.

SPEAKER_02: 21:30

Yes, I agree with that.

SPEAKER_00: 21:33

And that was the only way he could communicate it. Um he wouldn't have communicated it if I hadn't said anything.

SPEAKER_03: 21:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 21:43

Um, so on the days when writing the book was the most challenging, I remembered you keep talking for us. And it was that realization that people are gonna read my book and they're gonna be like, if he did that, I can do this. Or um, you know, because and it's the worst thing that we do is that we do this comparative thing. Some people will look at my story and be like, Well, I didn't go through all that, so I have no excuse. Or they'll think like, Oh, I went through much worse. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02: 22:18

Like, yeah, they compare.

SPEAKER_00: 22:20

Yeah, and it it's not a comparative story, it's just me telling you what I what I've gone through and where I've and now where I'm at. So I try to give a little bit of hope saying, You can do this. I've I've done this, you can do this. Um, and that's then that was the that was the apothecary for my for my ability to write it was the you keep talking for us.

SPEAKER_02: 22:47

I like that. That's a message for anybody who is just starting to share their story. There is somebody out there who really, really needs it and who is almost angry that you're not talking about it.

SPEAKER_01: 23:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_02: 23:01

When I started this podcast, there was nobody talking. I mean, I could not find anybody in the world who has a podcast with this topic. And I was kind of angry. I was like, why is nobody else talking about this? Because I wanted to work with other people who were talking about it. And I was like, why? You know, when I was angry and I was like, no, there's there's so much responsibility on me now, you know, to handle this. But yeah, it needs to be talked about. You have to.

SPEAKER_00: 23:26

Which which is why I started the Survivors Helping Survivors um Facebook uh show, because it's it's and again, it's uh it's another like I want to normalize the sex abuse conversation. So I have people on there. I've had people that are you know drug addicts and domestic violence survivors, and you know what I mean? Like, yeah, um, because I want people to recognize that this is a trauma that's just like any other trauma, and just like any other trauma, we can talk about this, you know. Yeah, um, and so that's why I I started that show because I Googled sex abuse surviving, you know, podcasts, and there was like four or five that came up, but they were all ended, they didn't go any further, they were all they were all off the air.

SPEAKER_03: 24:07

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_00: 24:08

I was and I was like, you know what? One in four girls and one in six boys go through this. There's 42 million people in this country that have been afflicted with this. You cannot tell me we don't have an audience.

SPEAKER_02: 24:21

Yeah, for sure. Even if they don't say any, I mean they're they're out there.

SPEAKER_00: 24:25

Yeah, absolutely. And I I I you know, and it's one of the most beautiful things in the world is every once in a while on Facebook or something, I'll get like this random friend request, right? And I'll be like, okay, cool. And I'll go through and I I don't know who you support, and I don't know who listens to your um your podcast, but I'll go through and I see if they have Trump stuff. If they have Trump stuff, I don't say anything. If they don't, I'll accept their friend request. And invariably, and I know that makes me sound terrible, but I just know.

SPEAKER_02: 24:54

Um Well, it is the it is very triggering for people, and that's what a lot of people don't understand. It's not that there's like all these people out there who hate Trump in the way that most people would hate Trump. You know, it's a it's different for you know abuse survivors and things like that. Um, I won't go too much into that on my show because but it does have something to do with it, um, especially survivors. So I do want to kind of make note of that.

SPEAKER_00: 25:20

Yeah. So I'll go through and I'll and and invariably, like within about a week, week and a half, I'll get like this random Facebook message from the same person, and they're like, um, I've got your book, or I heard one of your podcasts, or um, I you know, I I saw a speech you did. Thank you. And then they'll get into their story a little bit and we'll talk and you know, and and it's those are the times when it's a when it's I you know, you could have cut off my legs and I'd have been like, let's do this again. You know, like um, because that's when you that's when you look at yourself and be like, okay, I can die now.

SPEAKER_02: 25:58

You know, like I hope that you can rest.

SPEAKER_00: 26:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 26:02

Yeah. It gives you peace.

SPEAKER_00: 26:04

But now I got 42 million brothers and sisters that need help.

SPEAKER_02: 26:07

Yeah. Yeah. I I get it. Yeah. When I started this podcast, I was a strange for my parents a few years ago. And when I left, like, you know, I had experienced some like horrible, horrible grief. And that was when all my childhood memories started coming up for the first time. Um, well, I'd remembered everything, but not in detail, like you said. And so I didn't really understand that those things were considered, you know, abuse. And so I was just able to come to terms with it. And I have four little kids and who are around me and watching me. And so I spent a lot of time, you know, in my room, you know, crying and dealing with my PTSD stuff and coming out and, you know, in my groups and stuff. But I was just like, I gotta talk about this. Like it's it helps me just as much as it helps the person that I'm talking to or listening to. I mean, when you rub up against each other and you share, I mean, it's healing.

SPEAKER_00: 27:01

Well, that's why I say I'm selfish. That's why I don't take the term brave. I'm selfish because um I want to heal. And the the greatest antiseptic I have found is telling my story. And yes, it helps other people, and yes, it it's uh it's a balm for others, but at the end of the day, like I cannot tell you how much better I feel every time I do this. Um, so that just honestly, I just tell people I was at a I was it was hilarious. I was on a panel, and uh the panel uh moderator was just like, Brian, why do you talk about it? And I was like, Because I'm the most selfish person in this entire room. And you just like the audience and the other panel members were just like, What? And until I explained it to them, was just like I want to survive. I I I have an unyielding desire to one day wake up and look past in my past and just be okay with it. And I have learned in my in my life that the only way to accomplish that is to take control of it again, yeah. And and part of that control, part of that Greco-Roman wrestling style is speak out. And for me, that's how I do it. No, no, there's a there's a there's a million other people that can't do what I do, and I do not, I have nothing against them. If they don't want to ever speak a word on it, I am 100% beside behind them. And if they get to that point where they look back and they were like, oh, I'm good with this now, I want to support that.

SPEAKER_02: 28:38

Yeah, you kind of have to be ready because if you if you're not, I mean, some people are still trying to process stuff, you know, and if you're too pushy, you know, with some people, that's why I've I've had several guests I can tell are like, uh, I don't know if I want to submit this guest form, you know, and I and I just smile because I'm like, I remember being there.

SPEAKER_03: 29:06

Are you enjoying when the bum breaks? If so, visit us on Facebook. Like and share.

SPEAKER_00: 29:21

All I want to do is just, I just want to recover. I you know what I mean? Like I I want to be able to look in the mirror and and not see the little kid. Um, you know, and that's the worst part for me, Alexis, is that the realization that because my abuse started so young and because I was so isolated by my my mother and my brother, I had no idea I was being abused. To me, it was just Tuesday.

SPEAKER_01: 29:46

You know what I mean? Like yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 29:48

Um, and so when people are always like, Well, how did you get through this? How did you survive that? I'm always like, it was just Tuesday. Like, I I don't know how else to explain it to you. Yeah, I didn't realize I was being abused until years later when I'm I'm like, you know, in therapy, and I'm just like, holy but Jesus, that this happened, you know, like this. And um it's a it's it's a crazy concept because I've been asked quite a few times, and I'm sure you probably have too, you know, well, why didn't you tell anybody? Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you do this or why did you do that? And my answer is always because it was Tuesday. Like I had no idea this I didn't I didn't know I was being abused. I had I had no way of knowing.

SPEAKER_02: 30:38

Um I didn't know either. I was 32 years old when I were not even 32. I just started to really realize it, you know, and it was terrifying to me. And I was like, I can't my parents abused me. Like, how am I gonna talk about this? You know, I actually do talk about it in um, you know, one of my episodes in the first season, um, about that whole going through that whole experience. So if you want to listen to it, but um, it was super, super scary. And then going back and realizing all of that stuff is like, whoa, that happened. Yeah, like you said, like it's it's a shock.

SPEAKER_00: 31:12

Yeah, well, you know, especially for those of us of abuse survivors, nine to the time, but 90% of the time when we're we're abuse survivors, there was a period of grooming and isolation that happened before. So that so that what happens to us is not like this huge, you know, um, you know, rated R movie violation. It's this it's a slow progression of abuse.

SPEAKER_02: 31:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 31:37

That it's like one day you I don't know how uh how graphic can I be on your show?

SPEAKER_02: 31:43

Um you say whatever you want to say, and I'll just take out things. I mean, I don't want to trigger anybody, but you say what you want to say. Like this show is labeled explicit, so yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 31:53

Um, so you know, one day you're you know, you're you're making, you know, breakfast for everybody, and the next thing you know, there are penalties to pay when you don't. Um, and it just and it just rolls together and it makes sense. You know what I mean? Like um, and and if especially because mine started at six, there was way, there was no way I didn't know that other six-year-olds weren't going over to the Scoutmaster's house and having their son do these things to them. There was no way of knowing that. I did not know that that life didn't happen for everybody.

SPEAKER_02: 32:34

You thought that was the thing that you did.

SPEAKER_00: 32:38

Um, and then you know, years later, um, my mom threw me out when I was 15. And so like I was homeless for a little while and stuff like that. Um, and you go through those circles, and sex abuse is even more normal. You know what I mean? Like you talk about homeless people and drug addicts and people that are living on the fringes of society, you you start to start to believe that everybody was sex abused. So, I mean, like obviously this shit just happens to everybody, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, and then um, you know, you you do the normal thing and you you know you get addicted to drugs and alcohol, and um, you do everything you can to learn to forget besides deal with your issues. And then it dawns on you one day, like, you know, there are other options. And then when you start to see that there are other options, you start to realize like, holy none of this was right. None of this, none of this needed to happen. None of this um and that's when I think that's when you reopen that wound like with sea salt from the Dead Sea, and then you can start to heal. But you but you have to get to that point first.

SPEAKER_02: 33:54

Can you tell me a little bit about you know being thrown out and having to deal with not having anyone?

SPEAKER_00: 34:04

Well, uh see, now I think that's one of the things that like that's probably if if this can be said, is it's probably one of the good things about the abuse was um I had dealt with being without anybody for you know quite a few years um before I even got thrown out because I was um I was the household slave. I I didn't have anybody I could go to. You know what I mean? Like so um doing stuff on my own was what I did every day. I can tell you that uh you know I got thrown out, and I'll never forget it, because I had to make a very rough choice for a 15-year-old. Um my mom threw me out, and it was December 14th, 1989, and I grew up in Anchorage, Alaska. Um, so it was middle of winter. And I uh she threw me out on the she was taking me to school. Um she threw she told me that when she got home, I wasn't supposed to be there, you know, like I was supposed to be, I'm I'm I'm thrown out. So I was like, well, you know, I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna pack some things uh and I'm gonna get out. You know, that's what I've been told to do. Um I think she expected me to go to school, you know what I mean? But I just thought I was like, uh no. So I skipped, um, got back home, packed a couple things, um, with the naivity of a 15-year-old, yeah, you know, thinking like, oh, you know, a couple, you know, a couple jackets, some blankets, um, you know, stuff that I thought that would be keep me warm enough.

SPEAKER_03: 35:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 35:43

Um, and then that night I found I had to find an abandoned car that had its windows in it, and I slept in that car. And um I'll never forget it because it was so cold, Alexa. It was just it was beyond freezing, you know. And um I I remember and I'll never forget it because it was just so overwhelming in my own head, and it was one of the best nights of my entire life because uh I it was the realization that not all choices are cotton candy and bubble gum. You know, there are some choices, even even the best ones still suck. And um the realization was um I could go back home and beg to be let inside the house, and then give that, you know, and that would give them more fodder, that would give them more things to say and more things to use against me, and more things to to um irritate, yeah, irritate them or get them angry. So I could do that. Um I could legitimately just close my eyes and let myself die and just give into it, or I could continue to fight, or I could continue to say not today. And what ended up, I you know, I I think it's pretty apparent what choice I took. Um because at 15 I've never been back home. Um and I'm still alive, and that's one of the reasons why it was one of the greatest days of my life was because it was this realization that with fury and anger and determination and plain stupidity, I made it through that night. And that gave me the desire to not go back. And um, yeah, there was two years, there was two, three years where it was on the streets. It was living house to house, hanging out with other people at other, you know, other people's houses.

SPEAKER_01: 37:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 37:44

But you know, that was just a life I needed to live. And if it hadn't been for the abuse, I wouldn't have known how to do a lot of that survival stuff.

SPEAKER_02: 37:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 37:54

So um, as as weird as that is, you know, for the life I did choose, the so the abuse was actually somewhat helpful.

SPEAKER_02: 38:01

Yeah, it kind of like I was saying, it kind of like strengthens you in a way that most people aren't strong and they they they look at you and they they see that as a weakness, but really it's just you've been strong and you've been strong for so stinking long. And you know, like me, I'm kind of going through my anger phase or whatever, you know. I I'm real snippy at people because I'm setting my boundaries, you know, resetting them. And so, you know, and it yeah, I get pissed off pretty easy right now. But you know, I have to try to, you know, learn how to balance that. But um, yeah, I mean, yeah, you just build up a certain kind of strength that most people don't have.

SPEAKER_00: 38:36

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what helped me with my boundaries and helped me a lot with my anger, and I don't know if this will help you, is it was the realization, yes, I have every right to every single boundary that I set. And I have the right to protect those boundaries, to do whatever I need to do to protect those boundaries. But so do the people that I'm dealing with.

SPEAKER_02: 38:56

Yeah, yeah. Learning to respect other people's boundaries is not so easy, is it?

SPEAKER_00: 39:01

Yeah, and so that's what that's one of the things that helped me with my anger was that um somebody would say something and I would just I would just be like, How dare you? You know what I mean? And then all of a sudden it was just like, okay, so let's take a look back and see if I treaded on them first. Let's take a look and see if I actually warranted some of this.

SPEAKER_02: 39:22

Yeah, did I start it?

SPEAKER_00: 39:23

Yeah, and then come back with a cooler head and be like, okay, let's have a conversation because what you said was this way or that way. What inspired that conversation? Um, because I I do find that people typically will be um won't be as irritable. They'll they'll be people want to be gracious, people want to be treat other people the way they want to be treated, but if they feel slighted, they will come back. And so I I found that when somebody is um being egregious towards me in a way where I'm just like Like, I don't like you right now. It's usually because I did something prior. You know what I mean? Yeah. Um, and it's not that I'm taking their fault for their anger. They had a right to verbalize it when it happened. Um, but I do have to say, like, okay, you know what? I can be kind of a dick every now and then. Maybe I need to maybe I need to take ownership of that.

SPEAKER_02: 40:26

Yeah, I was like, oh, maybe I am bitchy every now and then, you know, or more often than you know, I think I am.

SPEAKER_00: 40:32

And then and then and then come back at it with a with an open mind of saying, like, you know what, you're right. Let's have a conversation about that. And and nine times out of ten, it becomes a beautiful conversation.

SPEAKER_02: 40:45

Yeah, when you like sit down and you really like learn to listen to someone else and they and and when they're listening to you, I mean, that's magic. And when you are there sitting there with the intent of, you know, trying to improve, you know, your relationship, that's that's where it gets good.

SPEAKER_00: 41:04

Yep. And and if somebody is not willing to do that with you, then you should start to question the value of this relationship. Um, you know, because I've been in, I I was just in a relationship with a lady that was narcissist to the points where I was just like wanted to start calling her mom. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03: 41:20

Like it was just scary.

SPEAKER_00: 41:24

Yeah. And so when I would sit down and discuss to her what she was, how she was trying to making me feel or anything, it was it was always my fault, and how dare I make her feel this way. Um, and that's when I had to start evaluating why am I in this relationship.

SPEAKER_01: 41:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 41:43

Um, because I want a relationship where I could say that to an intimate partner, and they would say, Okay, well, what can we do to solve that? Or what can I do to do this? Or what can you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02: 41:54

Like try and solve the problem.

SPEAKER_00: 41:58

Yeah, and so that's when I realized that if somebody's not willing to do the work for you, then they're not worth being with you.

SPEAKER_02: 42:05

Yeah, that's true. And it's hard to do that when that person is a family member, you know, that you love. You know, some people have to walk away, and that's that's hard. I had to walk away and like, even though they abused me, like I still loved them somehow. I mean, you know, to certain depths, and you know, I still love them. I still do. And um, you know, and I'm probably even gonna say it a lot in my show, and it's gonna, it might bug some people, but I do love my family still. I know that they have their own trauma and their own past. And, you know, I still pray and I still hope that they will go to counseling and they will get healing. But, you know, sometimes you just have to walk away in order to do what's best for yourself so that you can survive and so you can help others and you can thrive and move forward.

SPEAKER_00: 42:51

My my therapist, David, uh David Shannon in Boston, he really said it best to me, Alexis. I uh was in a therapy session and I was just rallying against my family, right? And he goes, You know what, Brian? You know what sometimes the best procedure for cancer is? And I was like, What? He's like, you cut it out. And I was like, holy but Jesus, are you right? That is that's what I need to do. So I I don't I um I still I still to this day wish that I had a family. I still wish to this day that I had a member of my family that um loved me for who I am. I still I still wish for that. I don't have that, but that's just my lot in life. Um and I've kind of I've kind of in a lot of ways given up on the thought process that that would ever happen, which is one of the things that make it hard for survivors because oftentimes, and this is something that I hope you repeat a lot on your show, that sex abuse survivors, um 90 nine plus 90 plus percentage of the time it's a family member or a family friend. So it's not the the guy in the panel van with you know puppies and candy. It's it's very low, low, low, low that that's who it is. So we kind of grow up and we want this, we want that love, we want that connection that we feel like we've been cheated. Um when you get into a relationship and it's as abusive as your your you know your past with your family was, um, you oftentimes end up staying because you just want to feel loved. You want to just feel that compassion and you just want to feel that, and then you have to realize it's it's not worth it. No, that is not worth it.

SPEAKER_02: 44:39

It's not love. I mean, there's a difference between endorphins and what someone is actually doing for you. And so, yeah, I was in a narcissistic relationship several times with different kinds of people. You get stuck in those, I get stuck in a cycle after a while. But I, you know, I was this one person, and it was like, oh, I don't want to lose training of thought here. I don't want to take up too much time. But yeah, you just get stuck in, uh I don't know.

SPEAKER_00: 45:03

I have a theory on that. I have a theory on that. And the theory is that um, I don't know when your abuse started, um, I don't know what age or anything like that, but mine was you know so early that um there was no semblance of love in my family, there was only this narcissistic domineering, domineering um uh uh uh uh personage of people that just like they took control. And I never knew and I've never known what real love is, but I do know that when I meet somebody and they're that way and I get really comfortable around them, it's because that's what I'm used to.

SPEAKER_02: 45:42

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 45:43

And like you get caught in this thing like, oh, I know this evil, I'm good with this evil, I've dealt with this evil, you know what to expect, kind of. I know what this monster is going to do, so I'm I'm comfortable here. And I have found that when I'm when I've been with people that um didn't exhibit those traits, I was really uncomfortable. I was just like, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this because you're you don't look like you're gonna try to hit me right now. You've got to look for that.

SPEAKER_02: 46:17

Yeah, somebody's hugging me. What are they doing? Like, yeah, it I oh yeah, I have those same things like just feeling uncomfortable. Like, why is this person being nice to me? Like it'd make me upset. And my husband's like, dude, calm down, like it's okay. Like she really, really likes you and thinks you're cool. And I'm like, I don't know, you know, yeah, I get it.

SPEAKER_00: 46:36

Yeah, and so I think that's why we that we as survivors we get stuck in that in that that uh that gully because that's what we're used to.

SPEAKER_02: 46:47

Yeah, your little kid thinks that that's what love is, and you have to, you know, say, no, no, no, no, no. You have to tell your little kid not that's not what love is, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 46:56

Yeah, there's a reprogramming that needs to happen. Yes. And the earlier your abuse starts, the harder that programming is, is because again, um, like I I said earlier, my default mode mode is still severe PTSD.

SPEAKER_02: 47:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 47:10

So um it take it takes a while, and I hope one day before I die, I find out what love is. Um I don't know if I will. Uh I I am I'm a pessimist when it comes to that. Um, but I do know that uh I'm not gonna be closed off to it. And so if it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But um I'm hoping one day I'll find out what that's like.

SPEAKER_02: 47:36

Yeah. I hope so too.

SPEAKER_00: 47:38

Well, you I'm sure you with your kids, you probably have.

SPEAKER_02: 47:42

Yeah, yeah. And that's you know, that's the hard thing, is that you know, so many people say, Oh, you have kids and you have your husband, but it's like I had to go through all that PTSD stuff around my kids, and I was still like still um coming to terms with, you know, how my parents were raising me, and I was having to stop some bad habits myself, and it was really, really, really hard. And so, you know, it's like it's like you're on steroids almost, like trying to kind of um, you know, fix everything because you you gotta hurry up because your kids are watching. You don't want to be this person that you grew up with, you know? It's like that, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 48:17

Well, no, I'm just the reason why I said your kids is because um it sounds like you decided the abuse was gonna stop with you. So that tells me that the kids are not getting abused. So that means like to me, um, in a few years, you're gonna have those beautiful moments where your kids are just like, I love you, and you'd be like, Why? And be like, because I do. You know what I mean? And we'll have that feeling of like, holy shit, they mean that. You know what I mean? Like, and it's not because they want a toy or ice cream, they actually mean this, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02: 48:48

Yeah, my son, 90% of the time he wants something from me, or 95% of the time. But this one day, you know, he he made a little mistake one day and he yelled at me or something, yelled back at me. And then I come back in my room, I was upset. Like, I he may be crying everything, like he was just, you know, nine-year-old, like thinks he knows everything. And I come back and I find a little note that says, I'm sorry, mom, I love you. And it just like, oh, I could never write things like that to my mom. Like, she would just like ignore it, like, yeah, you know, that's what I mean.

SPEAKER_00: 49:17

Like, you've experienced that love. I'm still waiting for it. You know, I mean, I'm still waiting for that. Um, you know, and and that that I think is an absolute blessing. That is like one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard, you know what I mean? Like that you can start out with anger, and then all of a sudden you like your kid writes you something like that, you're just like, oh, now I'm crying again. You know what I mean? Yeah. But uh, you know, I guess they say 45 is not too old, um, but it's starting to feel that way.

SPEAKER_02: 49:51

No, no. And you know, as long as you keep doing something that just brings value to your life, I mean, just keep doing it, you know. And I mean, you have no reason not to be proud of yourself, so proud of yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 50:06

I I I I am proud. Um, I I do believe pride is uh um anagalist to um sin, even though I'm not a believer and I'm not religious at all. But I don't believe that pride has any place to do with helping other people, in my opinion. Like if but if somebody else wants to take pride in what they do, I'm all for it. Um, it's just for for me, I don't feel like it's come something I'm comfortable with. Um I think and I know that has to do with the abuse because anytime I did anything good at home, it was like, well, you could have done better, or you know, yeah, no, I get that.

SPEAKER_02: 50:41

Hard time taking compliments, maybe. Yeah, I have that.

SPEAKER_00: 50:44

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um but uh you know, like uh when I posted a commission painting last night, and like it's gotten like a whole bunch of views and stuff, and I still look at it, I'm like, Do you guys see the same thing I see? Because it looks like crap.

SPEAKER_02: 51:01

Yeah, no, I yeah, I was like, oh, this looks like junk, and you know my my kids are like, Yeah, that's cool hanging on the wall. I'm like, you're seven, you don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_00: 51:12

Here's an ice cream, now go away. Um, but yeah, no, I yeah, so I compliments are not something that comes for me, and pride doesn't come easy. Um, but work does, and so yeah, that's what I'll continue to do. You know what I mean? And like it's worth it, you know what I mean? And so if I die alone, I die alone, you know. But I know that um it people will I know that there will be good speeches about me when I'm dead.

SPEAKER_02: 51:41

Most definitely, most definitely. I for one really, really appreciate your work, Brian.

SPEAKER_00: 51:46

Well, um, yeah, you can you can find me on uh survivor nights on Facebook. Um, you can find me on you know with my page Brian Cardoza. Uh you can find the book The Unexpected Victim on uh Amazon at Barnes and Noble. You can get the ebook, apparently. Um uh you can do you can you can find me through uh a lot of videos. Like I even tell people, you can even find me on Plenty of Fish. My name's Brian Cardoza. Um I'm on LinkedIn. Uh and yeah, what I do recommend is that if you get a chance, um, and I'm in an area where I'm and I'm speaking, come hear us. You know what I mean? Like bring tissues um because you're gonna need Yes.

SPEAKER_02: 52:28

I've actually used some. I don't know, I don't know if you could tell, but yeah, I did.

SPEAKER_00: 52:32

Um uh bring tissues and and and know that you're you're you're supported and you're not alone. And that, you know, I I I have a hard time with the entire, you know, we believe everything and everybody, and I and I'm a strong believer in due process, but I can say this is that you will always be respected to me. Um, and I will always respect reporters, I will always respect people that that come forward and and and say their piece. I think that's an important concept. As long as you believe it, I'll believe it. I definitely believe it. Well, let me let me let me say this. Have you heard me talk about bad math?

SPEAKER_03: 53:09

No, I haven't.

SPEAKER_00: 53:10

So and I know you sound like we want to sign off, but I think this is a very important thing for people to hear. I got time. So bad um, bad math is how I looked at my abuse, and it was really the antithesis for my recovery. Um, and what bad math is, is I was able to look back on my abuse and look at it in a very linear fashion. So I looked at it like a timeline. So um so when I looked at the times I was molested and raped um from start to finish, not the grooming, not anything, but from the actual rapes itself, was probably about 45 minutes of my life. Um, when I looked at the physical abuse, the the beatings with you know, coat hangers and broomsticks and whatever else, um was about three days. Um then when I looked at the psychological abuse, um, all that kind of stuff, it was about three months. Um from you know, from beginning to end. So from when my mom would start being like, you're useless, you know, you're lucky you weren't aborted, you know what I mean? All this kind of you know, stuff you want to hear from your mom. Um I looked at it and I was like, you know, the average life expectancy is 76 years. So how can I let 45 minutes, three days, and three weeks override the possibility of 76 years of life? Like that's bad math, you know. That yeah, yes, it happened, and yes, it's part of the 76-year equation, but if I let myself be consumed by 45 minutes, three days, and three weeks, I am cheating myself out of 76 years of life. And that was something that changed how I looked at my abuse was um, yes, my abuse is always gonna be a part of me, and yes, I will be alive hopefully for 76 years, and no matter what, that 45 minutes, three days, and three weeks are always going to be part of it. But I I assign the value to it, I assign how much time I dwell in that. Um that's why I call it bad math, because until you realize it and can look at it that way, um, it's always going to be greater than the 76.

SPEAKER_02: 55:40

I love how you put that because yeah, if I were to take all of my abuse and condense it, like you said, in just like a time frame. And that small little chunk, am I gonna let that little chunk destroy everything? And that was something that really pushed me to do this podcast because I was like, I'm allowing that stuff to keep me from helping other people. I I don't feel that it's fair to them. I feel like I'm cheating people by not saying anything. And I just I love the way that you said that. That's probably what I'm gonna name the episode. Bad bath.

SPEAKER_00: 56:15

Well, um, yeah, and so that's something I think that people need to hear. Um, now, now, granted, it's an exercise that's hard because you have to be able to almost step aside and look at your what happened to you in a in a disassociated way to be like, okay, I'm going to actually look at this in a uh Star Trekan Mr. Spock way.

SPEAKER_02: 56:39

Yes, I love it.

SPEAKER_00: 56:41

And then actually look at it and be like, okay, so if this was in a Darwinian timeline, where did my evolution come from and where do I end up at? I still let the three days, the the 45 minutes, three days, and three uh three weeks affect me because I now use them for fuel so that I don't have to, I want to one day wake up and not have a job. I want to wake up one day and people are like, Well, no one got raped yesterday. I'm like, shut up, you know what I mean? Like, I you know, yeah, I want I want to work myself out of a job. Um, and that's that takes using 45 minutes, three days, and three weeks of of that, and use it as as my uh fuel. And that's why when you said like if you look at all the stuff I've done and did, you know, you're like that, I think that explains it, you know.

SPEAKER_02: 57:35

Yeah. Well, I'm really, really glad to have had you on the show. Is there anything else you want to talk about that you want to go in depth about?

SPEAKER_00: 57:43

Well, yeah, there's a um you're not gonna release till Mother's Day, so I don't know if this is Germany.

SPEAKER_02: 57:49

No, I'm gonna try and release by Mother's Day UK, which is March 31st.

SPEAKER_00: 57:53

Oh, so that's the end of the film. Well, if you if you're gonna do in London, I would say um that London has and Lond in Europe has a very distinct problem with this that they're not even approaching. And I and I love talking at colleges, so if you want to book me, please go to my LinkedIn page, Brian Cardoza. Or if you want to do something a little bit less formal, go to you know my Facebook page and you can find me through there. You know, the the one thing that I always try to tell people, Alexis, and this is probably for me the best analogy, is that the light at the end of the tunnel does not have to be a train, it could be recovery. That's what I try to teach.

SPEAKER_02: 58:37

Yeah, I like that because you see this light you've never seen before, and it's freaking scary.

SPEAKER_00: 58:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_02: 58:46

Just keep going.

SPEAKER_00: 58:48

Yeah, and it doesn't have to be the train.

SPEAKER_02: 58:50

Yep. Yeah, please don't walk on the train tracks.

SPEAKER_00: 58:54

No, yeah, no, it's definitely not definitely not in training. Definitely not but yeah, no, and I think that's something I try to teach college students because we have we have a lot of unheard of male sex abuse on colleges. Um we have a lot of our uh young ladies that are being abused on colleges um that they need to hear this. Like I I've I've been calling Title IX coordinators and talking to assistants, and I'll tell them who I am, and they're just and as soon as I tell them who that who I am and what I went through, they're just like, Oh my god, this happened to me. And we start a 30-minute conversation. Yeah, and all it took was for me to call. So now imagine what can happen if I'm in front of them.

SPEAKER_02: 59:36

Yeah, it's really exciting, Brian.

SPEAKER_00: 59:40

So thank you. Um, I I hope this goes to far and wide, and people learn something from it. And I hope that you know you go far and wide. I think it'll be an amazing journey. And um, I want to tell you thank you, because not too many people are giving us platforms, and it's a very important message to give out. And I think the most beautiful thing I've heard from you, Alexis, is that your family's legacy stopped when with you. And that is one of the most beautiful and hard things to do on your own. And it's amazing that you got this way. So thank you.

SPEAKER_02: 1:00:14

You're welcome. I'm a work in progress, I admit. But yes, that is my goal. I wanted it to stop with me. Well, I am so, so, so, so, so grateful that you came on my show today. And um I can't wait for people to hear it. I think it's me great.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:31

Well, if you want if you want me to do another one, you know the number.

SPEAKER_02: 1:00:34

All right. Well, thank you so much, Brian. I really enjoyed our conversation.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:37

Yeah, I'll let my people talk to your people.

SPEAKER_02: 1:00:40

Yeah, your people call my people. All right. Well, it was great talking with you.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:45

Yeah, same here.

SPEAKER_02: 1:00:46

Bye-bye.